Came across this...interesting reason to the universal puzzle as to why great black women are still single.

Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?
(A Fighting Spirit Is Important, But Not At Home)

The Washington Post By: Joy Jones

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary.
She went to college, she got her master's degree; she is intelligent.
She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything.
Yet, she's single.

Or maybe you know this one. Active in the church. Faithful, committed, sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, and attends every committee meeting.
Loves the Lord and knows the Word.
You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church
members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock.
But again, no
husband.

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist.
She's a black lady, or, as she prefers, an African American woman, on the move.
She sports a short natural; sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks.
She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo.
Her work for her people speaks for itself--organizing women for a self-help, raising funds for
A community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa.
Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with.
Yet once again, the men leave her alone.

What do these women have in common?
They have so much; what is it they lack?
Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him?
The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional
clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder
what's wrong with black men? They hold special prayer vigils and fast
and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the
brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in
protests but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to
someone else.

I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking
over and over again "What's wrong with these men?", it finally dawned
on me to ask the question, "What's wrong with us women?" What I have
found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the
skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace
are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action
assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club
activities or in positioning oneself for a raise, but relationship-
building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that
not only gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that
will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes it
means creating the peace in the first place. Maintaining a harmonious
relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line
between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win.

In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice
being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the
head of the household is an especially important thing for many black
men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere
else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so
committed to the cause, to the church, to career or their narrow
concepts that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a
man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man may be
attracted but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space
for him in her life. Going to graduate school is a good goal and
an option that previous generations of blacks have not had. But
sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her
list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and
homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that
might develop a commitment to a woman. She's too busy to prepare him a
home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she
is so occupied with her own.

Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him she appears
unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she's playing in the
problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she
decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship. When
she's 45, she may wish she'd set different priorities while she was
younger. It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest
for the trees.

A couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the
husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do
about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for
her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know
what Jesus says about marriage," he told her, "What do you say about
our marriage?" Dumbfounded, she could not say anything.
Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply
them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed
for divorce. Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have
vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever,
to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to
be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your
man.

A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit
is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and
losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong
believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate
or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes.
Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the
ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men
enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender
side, a side they dare not show to other men. A hard-working woman is
good to have on your committee. But when a man goes home, he'd prefer a
loving partner to a hard worker.

It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It
sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have
fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so
many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that
we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways. Not having a husband
allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having
one means we have to share the power and certain points will have to be
surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment, yet dread the
prospect of being single and alone.

Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a
threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the
cage. To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am
learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop
competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my
assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not
preaching a philosophy of "women be seen and not heard." But I have
come to realize that I, and many of my smart and independent sisters
are out of touch with our feminine center and Therefore out of touch
with our men.
About a year ago, I was at an oldies-but-goodies club. As a
Washingtonian, love to do the bop and to hand dance styles that were
popular when I was a teen. In those dances, the man has his set of
steps and the woman has hers, but the couple is still two partners and
must move together. On this evening, I was sitting out a record when a
thought came to me. If a man were to say, "I'm going to be in charge
and you're going to follow. I want you to adjust your ways to fit in
with mine" I'd dismiss him as a Neanderthal. With my hand on my hip,
I'd tell him that I have just as much sense as he does and that he
can't tell me what to do. Yet, on the dance floor, I love following a
man's lead. I don't feel inferior because my part is different from
his, and I don't feel I have to prove that I'm just as able to lead as
he is. I simply allow him to take my hand, and I go with the flow.

I am still single. I am over 30 and scared.
I am still a member of my church, have no plans to quit my good government job and will continue to do what I can for my people.
I think that I have a healthy relationship with a good man.
But today, I know that I have to bring some of that spirit of the dance into my relationship.
Dancing solo, I've mastered that.
Now I'm learning how to accept his lead, and to go with the flow.

Discuss

don't buy it, all crap

I thought it was very insightful. nervous what exactly is "crap"

I thought that was extremely insightful, it's like you're describing me. I came to realise the truth in this approach a few year ago and have noticed a direct correlation to the amout of interest I am now generating from men. Learning to pick my battles and not being afriad to show my softness has made a huge difference in my life. Very insightful article. ;-)

The article is good. I want to salute the writer. Many women are over 30 and still single, some by their making while others; not by their making. 30 is even still under average. What about those under or over 40? All I need to say is, no lady should wait for any boyfriend to propose to her, once you are in a relationship and you know/feel the relationship is going nowhere or heading to the rocks, just quit. Many ladies stay in a worthless relationship. The Men will use you and finally dump you. I have alot to say, but on a final note make HAYS WHILE THE SUN IS SHINING

Hmmm...deep and wise words indeed...i can certainly relate...May God help us!

Great and insightful article by Ife. I think a lot of women should read it

The article made a great read and the facts stated in it are so true. The men in our lives are not and should not be regarded as goals, objectives, plans, or whatever. they should be treated like people- with respect, love and attention. Ladies, when we get home, please take off the power suit, patent leather heels, and go getter attitude. Let's just be women to our men. they already have female competitors at work, they don't need it at home. Bring your intelligence to bear on your relationship in a subtle, non-threatning way that doesn't intimidate. However, all these should be only if you have a good relationship with a good man. If you don't have a good man, then please leave him.